Possibilities
by doroniasobi
Summary: falling in love and falling in love with the idea of falling in love are two completely different things. — JirouOC


**A/N: I didn't think I'd ever write an OC fic. Really. But it came out. "XD I don't know. I centered this around Jirou, just because there aren't many fics about him with an OC. ...I might be wrong, because I don't read many OC fics. Yeah go ahead, kill me, read it, and then shoot me and tell me how bad it was. XD**

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Possibilities

You don't know what or how to describe it when it comes to him. You're in love with the possibility of being with him, but you know that's not possible, and that is what hurts the most. You loved the times when he dragged you outside to watch shooting stars, and the two of you ended up counting how many you could see. You treasure those times, but you wish that someday it would become something more.

His droopy-eyed sleepiness is what you think is the most adorable thing, and when he is awake and bouncing around, you watch his eyes because they are absolutely sparkling with joy and happiness.

You love the way he acts, moves, exists - all of the things you know so well, but will probably never be able to articulate. You love everything about him, really, down to his playfulness, sleepy habits, his shy side.

His smile is what throws you away, however. It's the way he lowers his head and hides his face when he's embarrassed, but he smiles anyway. It's the way his eyes are crinkled just the slightest bit, and his eyes are curved, glittering, and it is absolutely the most breathtaking sight you have ever seen. But there's also a pang of pain when it is shown, as if your heart is stopping. You love, perhaps more than anything, to be the one who makes him smile.

It's during those moments that you forget it's only a possibility, and that possibilities are different from reality. Your mind's time stops and makes the two of you the only two beings in the world - on the planet. And during those few precious moments, you love him and only him with all of your heart.

And then he catches his breath again, every single time, and every single time, your mind is moving again and your senses are returned to you, along with all of the things that keep you hesitant. And then you fall out of love with him and back in love with the idea of loving him.

Then the day comes when your heart and thoughts run away from you, and you fall in love with him and forget to fall back out. You have no love for the 'what-if's and ideas of what could be. All you see is him there, the same as he always has been, and you can't help but love him.

But it terrifies you.

You're not even treading new territory; it's the same as before. You walk to classes with him, and the ground is shaky under your feet despite the familiarity. You begin to blush, and every bump of the shoulders feel like fire. You're clueless of how to react anymore, because even though things haven't changed, aren't they different? Isn't there supposed to be something different?

Suddenly there's this chance of things turning out in a way you don't want them to. Suddenly, you hate the possibilities.

_She_ appears on the scene while you're trying to figure things out, so maybe it was your fault; maybe you were one step behind, or one beat too slow.

And she is hard to like at first - she is giggly, talkative, and says too many things at once. You knew it already, but you couldn't prepare for the chaste kiss they share just as you're turning your head to address them.

When they announce it to you and the others, you try to pretend you're still just in love with the concept of love and not in love with him.

You want to ask if she really makes you happy or not, but you don't dare to. The answer isn't a simple yes or no, What comes to realization is that you are not enough to make him truly happy.

When she makes him laugh in that way you have long since adored, you don't feel happiness; you just get colder and colder until you have no desire to move. You can't anyway, because you are numb. Numb on the inside, and the outside as well.

You feel nothing until your feet manage to make their own way home. And then when you climb into bed, the emotions hit you all at once, so you try to cry them away. The sound of your sobs echo in your ears because you can no longer love the possibility; you can only love the impossible. You can love only him.

From your bed, you can see a small sliver of black through the curtains. Dark clouds. City lights. There are no trace of stars, but when you close your eyes, you can see them all there, like you used to, with him. In unison, all of them begin to fall, and it becomes a meteor shower within your imagination.

You make a wish on every single one of them.

--

_Owari_

_2009.12.27_


End file.
